your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
