We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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