I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
