dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
