i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
