She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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