Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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