I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
