Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
