either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
i believe in u and ur pee
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