If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I supernannyed him into submission
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
