They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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