it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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