So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
