He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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