Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
