At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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