so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
