I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
