Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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