I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
