cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
