I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
