Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
