I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
