You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
