In the future we'll all be gay
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
