I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
