Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
