The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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