she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
