i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
