I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
