I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
