oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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