so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
