Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
