Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
