Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
