Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
