i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
