is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
