i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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