Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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