Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
