I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
