Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
