i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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