Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
