I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i think i have two assholes
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
