I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
