I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
