I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Enjoy the penises
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
