It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
