The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
