Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
