I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
